


The Archive Within the Archive

by intellexual_asexual



Category: A Heist With Markiplier (Web Series), CrankGameplays - Fandom, Jacksepticeye Power Hour (Web Series), Markiplier TV (Web Series), Who Killed Markiplier? (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, WHAT THE FUCK MRS THOMSON HAS A TAG NOW, at the beginning of each chapter there will be a summary, basically of what i wanted to happen in the story, holy SHIT yes finally skjghkfh, just in case any of you wanted to continue any of them ksjhgkjh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:00:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29025372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intellexual_asexual/pseuds/intellexual_asexual
Summary: Some little blurbs of stories that I will probably never finish oops kjfgkhsdIf there's any of you out there that want to take these and run with them, feel free to because honestly they'll just sit here unfinished forever if you don't do something dkjsfhkhs
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Diva (Dark!Chica) arrives and decides that Y/N is their pup. Chaos ensues.

It was a rainy day when Diva showed up again.

They were extra excited that day, bounding up and down the hallways so hard the whole building shook. Which was how Y/N could tell Diva was looking for them.

They were tidying up their room when they felt the first tremors. Y/N immediately perked up and stopped scrubbing the bathroom sink. A few minutes later of cleaning up their cleaning supplies, they heard loud sniffing at their door. 

Y/N opened it and allowed Diva to almost snort them out of the room. Their big grey muzzle sniffed through the doorway before barking once. Y/N laughed and pushed them out before shutting their door and turning to the elephant sized dog.

As Y/N reached up to pet Diva, they stuck their nose in Y/N’s face and started sniffing. What was Diva doing? This wasn’t the first time they had met!

“Alright puppy, get off,” Y/N said as they attempted to get the dog’s cold nose off of them. Diva complied, but not before sneezing straight into Y/N’s face. 

“Seriously?”

Diva huffed in response.

Y/N rolled their eyes and patted Diva on the neck before walking away, only to be pulled back by a lick of Diva’s tongue. What was up with them today?

Diva continued to lick Y/N until they moved back a few steps. And even then, Diva stepped forward and continued licking Y/N, drenching them in slobber. They guessed they could try walking away again?

This time Y/N was able to move farther from Diva and start walking down the hallway. But the big dog followed them and continued to lick them all over. They decided to stop trying to keep Diva off of them, and by the time they had reached the living room they were soaked to the bone.

The King of the Squirrels, Illinois, and Bingiplier were in the room, and all of them turned towards Diva and Y/N as they approached. Bing and King started snickering as Illinois said the obvious: “Well, it looks like you have a new friend.”

Y/N rolled their eyes as Diva licked them again. “Yeah, no shit Sherlock. I don’t know why they’ve been acting like this, all I was doing was cleaning—WAIT NO I HAVE CLEANING CHEMICALS ON ME!! Diva get  _ off! _ ”

WIth the sudden realization that they could be poisoning the dog, they started roughly pushing on Diva. But the grey beast wouldn’t budge.

“Uh, dude, I think they’ll be cool,” Bing said. “I mean, they’re only, like, shadows or something, it’d be different if Diva was an actual dog.”

Y/N blinked and stopped pushing Diva. Who was still licking them. 

Y/N supposed Bing was right, and told him, “Yeah, I guess so. I think I just wanted an excuse to get them off of me.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ChairGamePlays comes back to the Cranks after fading for a good year. The Septics (well, Jackie, I guess) refuse to help them.  
> (Headcanon that Chair is a shapeshifter and they like to make it look like the Cranks are all delusional sdfkhjlg)

When Jackieboy Man got an urgent call of distress from the Cranks, he did not expect to see… that.

They were all running around screaming, the oven was on fire, and in the center of all of this chaos was… a chair.

Specifically, Ethan Nestor's gaming chair. It was black and blue, and it swiveled slightly as YahooGamePlays ran by with a fire extinguisher. He turned it on but couldn’t control it, and he ended up blowing the foam all over the chair and Jackie. 

Jackie turned around, fully prepared to hop back into the portal the Marvin the Magnificent had made for him, but it was already gone. Jackie turned back around and sighed. He looked sadly at the chair now in front of him before nudging it away and through the white foam from the extinguisher.

Somehow, the entire fire extinguisher had been emptied onto everything except the fire. Jackie turned the stove off and the fire ceased. He looked back at the chair and saw the Postman poking it with a literal five foot pole, and everytime he prodded it he jumped back and brandished the stick, as if it were going to attack him.

Jackie looked around the rest of the room to make sure no one was hurt. Bernice and Mrs. Thomson were clutching each other and still screaming in the corner, Mad Mike had joined Post in poking the chair, and Yahoo was gone. Hopefully he had left to find BlankGamePlays, who no doubt was scared out of his mind from all of this noise.

Jackie sighed again as he said, “Guys, are you serious? You called me over here over a chair?”

Post looked over at Jackie and said, “Man, it’s not just any chair. It’s… ChairGamePlays.”

...Jackie had no idea what Post was talking about. “Uh, what—?”

Mad Mike interrupted him. “Chair is evil!  _ Evil!! _ ”

Jackie raised an eyebrow. “It’s just a chair, guys. For Christ’s sake, why—?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wilford decides to help... experiment with a new dinner dish

Dinner was going well until Wilford Warfstache came into the kitchen. Everything seems to go well until Wilford decides to join in.

Host and Y/N were out of the kitchen when Wilford sidled up to the counter. They were making some sort of pasta, and it was finished and cooling down when the mustached man looked inside the pot. He figured a little taste test wouldn’t hurt.

Wilford grabbed a spoon and tried out the pasta. It was good, but… it was missing something. He looked down at the pasta and the oregano leaves reminded him of another plant.

He had an idea, and if all went well then the Ipliers would be…  _ elated _ .

~ ꕤꕤꕤꕤꕤ ~

Y/N walked back into the kitchen and just missed Wilford, who teleported away in a puff of smoke. They rolled their eyes, figuring he was eating candy before dinner again. Y/N checked on the pasta, but something felt... off. They were sure that they didn’t put that many spices in there.

They just shrugged. Oh well. More flavor, they guessed.

The time came for everyone to grab their food, and everyone seemed to like the new dish. Maybe a little too much.

Wilford actually went back for seconds, which caused Y/N to raise an eyebrow. Wilford didn’t usually do that, and if he got more of whatever dinner was it was usually already put away.

Y/N didn’t realize what happened until Yan asked them what was in it. “Oh, nothing too crazy, just some premade sauce, a little salt, and—”

“Some weed!”

Y/N looked over at Wilford, who was at the other end of the table. How could he have heard them? More importantly, why did he just joke about putting marijuana in the food?

They raised an eyebrow again and scoffed. “Wilford, what? No, there’s not—”

Wilford give them a shit-eating grin and cut them off again. “Yeah! I put weed in it, when you and Hostie were letting it cool down!”

Y/N spit out their bite of pasta and yelled, “YOU WHAT?!”

Wilford still had that stupid grin on his face as he clarified, “I just told you, gumdrop, I put weed in our dinner. You almost caught me, too!”

They groaned and rested their head on the table. They said through the table, “Jesus Christ, Wilford, do you know how much we eat? How much  _ Bim _ eats?! God, he’s gonna be high out of his  _ mind _ during your show tonight.”

Wilford just chuckled as everyone else at the table eyed their pasta. “So is everyone else, sugar!”

They just groaned again as Dr. Iplier was the first one to throw his food out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y/N discovers the Cranks. Well, more like they discovered them.  
> (Y/N is feeling down because Blank is mostly the one watching them all the time)

Y/N had been feeling… off. Like they were constantly being watched and judged and told they weren’t enough.

But this was totally unjustified behavior: the Ipliers (and Unus) make it known every day that Y/N is loved and appreciated in the Manor. These egos are particularly touchy in their appreciation, but not so much that Y/N gets uncomfortable. Though they really wished Wilford Warfstache wouldn’t crush their ribs every time they pass each other in the hallway.

But anyway, Y/N had had this weird feeling for the past week or so. It was beginning to hinder their usual activities in the Manor, since they had stopped eating and sleeping out of sadness. Most of the Ipliers noticed, of course.

The Jims were watching them trudge down the hallway, and Y/N could just barely make out what RJ was whispering to CJ’s camera. 

“Guardian Jim has been moping for the past few days now. They have just left their natural habitat, but in search of what, I can’t be sure. They haven’t eaten anything in two days, and—”

Y/N turned toward RJ and CJ, looking directly into the camera lens before looking at RJ sadly. “RJ, please stop.”

RJ frowned and stopped speaking in the Australian accent, but he continued talking. For once, he was acting serious as he said, “Guardian Jim, are you alright? You know, we’re all getting pretty worried about you.”

Y/N was on the brink of tears, and their voice cracked as they replied, “Yeah, I’m fine! I-I’m OK, really!”

Before they could start fully sobbing, Dark materialized before them. He took one look at their face and whirled around, looking for the source of their tears. He spotted the Jims and stared for a second before asking, in a dangerously low voice, “Tell me what you did to Y/N  _ immediately _ .”

CJ and RJ looked scared out of their minds, as CJ quickly shut the camera off and RJ answered, “D-Demon Jims! I-I swear, all I did was ask them if they were OK, really!”

Dark eyeballed RJ but didn’t get a chance to yell at them since Y/N quickly said, “[nothing because I didn't fucking finish my thought kdjfhksdh]”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yancy and Jameson bond over music or something ksjfhjdfd  
> Also sorry for not publishing anything yesterday, I've been preparing for a new semester of classes and I've decided to actually pay attention to them this time around ugh lkfghlsjfgs

Yancy was not one to snoop around. He had learned not to during his time in prison. But he couldn’t resist this time around.

It was like the room was whispering his name, beckoning him to come closer. And so he did, since the music note door was wide open. He forgot all about why he was at the Septics in the first place as he slinked into the specialty room.

The room’s walls were a greyish white, and the floor was a pretty white oak wood. The walls were lined with shelves upon shelves of cases of instruments, and Yancy could tell what types of instruments they were by their shape. There were guitars, violins, and even a double bass in the very back of the room. In the middle of the room was a black grand piano, and beside it was a tall black table with an uncovered ukulele on top. There was a small white cloth next to the rosewood instrument, suggesting that whoever was last in here had been cleaning it before they left.

Yancy hated to touch it after it had just been cleaned, but he couldn’t help himself. The ukulele looked so pretty, and as he picked up Yancy wondered which Septic this room belonged to. He knew that Jackieboy Man and Marvin the Magnificent didn’t have an interest in music, and he couldn’t imagine Antisepticeye playing the piano. Chase Brody already had a different specialty room, and Robbie the Zombie wouldn’t be able to learn how to play anything with his short attention span. 

Yancy pulled out the piano seat and sat down facing away from the piano, placing the ukulele in his lap as he thought some more. The only two Septics left were Henrik von Schneeplestein and Jameson Jackson. If either of them owned this room, Yancy may or may not get his ass beat if he was found inside.

But he really didn’t care. The room was too cool to  _ not _ be found inside of it, and Yancy tested the ukulele’s tuning by strumming it’s strings once.

It was tuned properly, Yancy could tell, and he started playing the chords to a song he knew by heart. His mother used to sing him to sleep with this song when he was younger, and whenever he plays it he feels all warm and fuzzy inside. 

He started singing and forgot that the door was still open.

~ ꕤꕤꕤꕤꕤ ~

Jameson Jackson had known that Yancy was coming over today. He wasn’t sure why he came over, but Jameson wasn’t really interested in that. What he was interested in was Yancy’s musical talent.

He had heard from the other Ipliers how much Yancy enjoyed music. He had also heard that Yancy was particularly shy about it. Which everyone found to be strange, since Yancy had no problem with it when he was at prison. 

Jameson figured that it was just a case of nerves: Yancy had been at that prison and knew the people there for so long that he was most comfortable performing around them. It had only been a little over a year since Yancy was brought to the Manor, which was definitely not enough time for him to warm up to any of the egos.

So Jameson set a trap of sorts. He left his specialty room door open in the hopes that Yancy would enter it, and he hid around the corner. If Yancy didn’t enter the music room, Jameson would pretend that he was just passing by.

Jameson heard Yancy walk toward the room, mumbling to himself. The mumbling suddenly quieted to a stop and Jameson peeked around the corner, hoping his blue hair wasn’t visible from underneath his hat to attract attention.

He found Yancy staring at the open door, his eyes wide. He took a step into the doorway and looked inside, and Jameson saw him start to move further in but hesitate. Yancy stood still in the doorway for a few more seconds before deciding to walk in.

It was only a minute later when Jameson heard the first chords to a song he had never heard before. It sounded wonderful though, even if it seemed very short.

Jameson hadn’t meant to, but somehow he had moved into the doorway. He blinked in surprise and backed up, trying to keep Yancy from seeing him. But it didn’t work, as Yancy was already looking at Jameson and blushing. 

Yancy looked at the ukulele and back over at Jameson. He gently held it up and asked, “Is dis youse’s?”

Jameson walked back in the doorway and leaned against it. He nodded once and smiled.

Yancy looked back at the ukulele before he said, “So dis  _ is _ youse’s room. I had a feelin’. Ah, it was either dat or Schneep, an’ I’s glad it ain’t Schneep.”

Jameson silently giggled and walked further into the room. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric has a secret feral side and Blank finds out about it at a sleepover. Inspired by that amazingly cursed headcanon of Daydream_Fuel's, which they call The Big HappinessTM jhfsgklfjd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I had titled this "me and the boys at three am looking for Eric" kfjkjdslk

BlankGamePlays thought he would be prepared for a sleepover with Eric Derekson. Eric was a pretty mellow guy, and he didn’t seem like the type to go crazy once the sun went down.

See, that was where Blank was wrong.

It started when Mrs. Thomson was triple checking that Blank had everything he needed. It wasn’t like he was going to be out in the wilderness for a week, it was just a single night sleepover. Blank was saved when Dark showed up to transport Blank and his things to the Manor. Dark looked like he didn’t have time for this, but there really wasn’t any other way over there (unless Blank wanted to bother Marvin the Magnificent, and the poor magician already had to make a bunch of portals this week). Blank hesitantly gripped Dark’s arm as he waved goodbye to his Gran and went away in a puff of smoke.

The smoke cleared (well, mostly, since Dark’s aura was still there) and Blank saw Eric waiting for him. Blank was immediately wrapped in a hug, but he couldn’t hug back since Eric had pinned his arms to his side. Eric let go and gave Blank a big smile, and Blank smiled back.

After finally getting Blank set up in Eric’s room (Eric insisted that Blank could take his bed if he wanted, and Blank insisted that he sleep on the floor because it was Eric’s fucking bed. They playfully argued about it for almost an hour before they decided to just find a cot or something), the two of them wandered around the Manor and talked. They walked by the kitchen but actually walked into it after Yancy aimed a ball of flour at Eric and hit Blank instead.

It was a fun day for Blank, and when it came time for bed it was quiet enough for him to go to sleep. But he woke up in the middle of the night with an off feeling. Blank looked over at Eric’s bed and saw that the covers were pulled back, and Eric wasn’t in his bed. Well, where the hell did he go to?

Blank figured he just went to the bathroom or something, so he went back to sleep. But he woke up again a few minutes later, his instincts still telling him that something was wrong. Eric was still out of bed, so Blank got out of his and creeped to the door.

He opened it and looked out into the hallway. No lights were on, but the moonlight shining through the windows illuminated the floor. Blank stepped into the hallway and shut the door behind him. He wasn’t sure where to start looking first. Maybe the kitchen?

Blank started walking to the kitchen. On the way there, Blank found it weird that the Manor could be this quiet. During the day, someone was always screaming either in your ear or off in the distance. And King’s squirrels were usually pretty loud.

Blank reached the kitchen and heard nothing except for the running refrigerator. He stood in the doorway, now concerned for where Eric could have gone. Just as Blank turned around and prepared to look elsewhere, he heard a grunt. He whipped back around, terrified. He thought HeeHoo had been relocated?

Blank didn’t dare breathe as he heard another grunting noise. He squinted, trying to see through the darkness. He could see into the living room from the large windows (and he didn’t see anyone), but the kitchen was pitch black. Whatever was making those noises was somewhere in the kitchen.

Blank didn’t want to move, but there was another grunting noise and his curiosity got the better of him. He took a step forward and there was another grunt. Now that Blank really listened, the noises seemed to be coming from up high somewhere. 

Blank spotted the light switch. Of course, he could just turn on the lights! But he didn’t want to disturb any of the Ipliers in case they could see the light.

There were a few more grunting noises as Blank weighed the pros and cons of turning on the kitchen lights. He finally decided to turn them on, and he dashed to the light switch and grabbed a stray spoon lying on the counter to defend himself.

Blank didn’t see anyone at first, taking a few seconds to adjust to the bright light. But once he could see properly, he could see Eric crouched up on top of the fridge. 

He held a full bowl of ice cream in his hands, and multiple different toppings were piled on. Blank could see whipped cream, Oreos, and at least two dozen cherries. Eric’s eyes were as wide as could be, and he was mid bite when Blank flipped the lights on. The two of them stared at each other for a few seconds until Eric said, in a strangely gravelly voice, “Th-This isn’t wh-what i-it looks like.”

Blank didn’t even  _ know _ what it looked like. But he wasn’t all that startled: he had seen plenty of this kind of behavior at home (mostly from Mad Mike). He just hadn’t expected Eric to act like this.

Blank put the spoon back down and cautiously approached Eric, trying to figure out what to say. He came up with nothing and instead gestured to the bowl.

Eric looked down at it and then back at Blank. “U-Uh, no c-comment?”

Blank shook his head and smiled. He could not believe this was happening, but he wasn’t going to judge Eric for it. Blank managed to say, “...you could’ve shared.”

Eric beamed and hopped off of the fridge with surprising grace as Blank picked the spoon back up. Blank wasn’t sure how, but they managed to eat the entire bowl of ice cream and it’s toppings.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan Nestor wears something on stream, and his fans latch onto the idea. Chaos ensues after the normally less feminine egos discover that they, too, have cat accessories and a rather revealing maid dress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops this was almost a fully developed work. I just couldn't really find a way to make it end unawkwardly, so here it sits, I guess.

YahooGamePlays was going to disintegrate Ethan Nestor into dust.

He knew this wasn’t  _ technically _ his fault, it was the fans, but he was still the one to set this idea in motion. He felt ridiculous, and he could only imagine what the other Cranks would think when he left the safety of his workshop. He had tried and tried for the past hour to get rid of the things, but it was like they were superglued to him. He supposed he would just have to leave and see if one of the more magically inclined egos could do anything. Maybe Marvin the Magnificent had a spell for removing this kind of stuff.

What was YahooGameplays so distressed over? Well…

“BWAHAHAHAHA!! Yahoo,  _ what—?!  _ Ahaha— oh my God! Oh my God, I can’t— I can’t f-fucking  _ breathe!! _ ”

Yahoo wasn’t three steps out of his room when Bernice doubled over and started laughing at his… situation. Yahoo’s cat ears went flat as his tail twitched in embarrassment, and Yahoo smoothed the front of his maid dress in an attempt to not look Bernice in the eyes.

“Bernice, this is really not something to laugh about—”

But Bernice was still laughing, and Yahoo’s ears pricked up when he heard distant footsteps. He immediately (and stupidly) ran away from Bernice and toward the kitchen. The bell on his choker jingled as he dashed through the hallway, and thankfully nobody else was around to laugh at him. Yahoo caught sight of the kitchen but stopped short when he saw who was inside.

It looks like the other male Cranks were having the same problem as Yahoo.

Mad Mike and Unus turned toward Yahoo, Mike smiling and Unus covering his mouth in a horrible attempt to stifle his giggles. Both of them wore the same maid dress as Yahoo, and they both sported cat ears and tails. Whereas Yahoo’s were a light purple, Unus’ were black and Mike’s were bright blue. 

Yahoo covered his face in his hands and sighed, and Unus took that as an invitation to laugh at him. Mike said, to further embarrass Yahoo, “Hot.”

Unus’ giggles turned into full on laughter as he pounded his fist on the counter. Yahoo uncovered his face and glared at Mike, accidentally letting out a hiss. Mike started laughing too as Yahoo clapped a hand to his mouth and kept glaring at him. 

It took a few minutes for Unus and Mike to calm down, and once they did, Unus hopped up on the counter and asked, “So. Was this a prank, or…?”

Mike shook his head. “I think the fans are behind this. Nestor wore an outfit like this on stream, and I’ve seen tons of fanart and it hasn’t even been a full day!”

Yahoo wrapped his arms around himself. “How long do you two believe we’ll be like this?”

Mike shrugged and answered, “A day, maybe two.”

Yahoo groaned and hid his face again. Unus giggled and said, “What’s wrong? Got a fragile masculinity, Yahoo?”

Yahoo glared at Unus and said, “No! I am simply… embarrassed by my present state.”

“Aw, come on,” Mike said as he slung an arm around Yahoo, which he gently pushed off. “It’s not that bad. I think I’ll wear dresses more often, there’s a nice breeze down there, y’know?”

Yahoo rolled his eyes and blushed, turning his head away. “I suppose it feels rather… nice. Though Nestor really could not have chosen a more revealing outfit.”

Yahoo was right. Their dresses just barely fell halfway down their calves, and there was a gaping triangular hole at the top of the dress that exposed their chests. Not to mention the cat ears and tail and  _ fucking collar _ . 

Yahoo looked back at Mike and Unus and asked, “Are the others having this problem too?”

Unus nodded and said, “I think so, yeah. I know Post and Father are, at least. Oh my God,” he started giggling (Yahoo was beginning to notice that Unus giggled a lot). “We need to check on Gooz!!”

Unus ran out of the kitchen and Yahoo followed calmly behind. Mike poofed away, and he and Unus were already inside of the Gongoozler’s room when Yahoo approached it. He opened the door and found Unus and Mike practically clinging to each other, laughing at the creature in the pond.

The Gongoozler’s sea-green face fins had turned into cat ears, and their fish tail had become more… furry. They also wore a maid outfit, with a bell collar around their neck, but it was clinging to them like a wet dish rag. Yahoo was sure that it looked better underwater. 

The Gongoozler growled and dove under the water, splashing Unus and Mike. They stopped laughing and protested, now soaked as the Gongoozler came back up with their ‘white’board and marker.

“wHy.”

Yahoo answered the Gongoozler’s question. “Apparently Nestor wore this on a twitch stream, and the fans latched onto it. None of us had any idea that this would happen.”

The Gongoozler looked deep in thought as they erased their ‘white’board. They wrote out, “eArS wIerD.”

Unus nodded and said, “Yeah, it takes some getting used to. I kind of like them, though. At least now I can tell when Mike is intentionally being annoying.”

Mike dramatically gasped and said “Says you!” as he playfully pushed Unus. Yahoo thought that Unus did have a point though, the ears and tail gave away their emotions.

The Gongoozler’s tail twitched as they cleaned off their ‘white’board and wrote, “HOws bLANk.”

Yahoo blinked. He hadn’t thought to see how BlankGamePlays was handling this. Yahoo turned to Unus and Mike, who glanced at each other before they spoke at the same time.

“He’s taking it pretty well—”

“He’s not doing do good, like usual—”

They glared at each other and Yahoo sighed. He guessed he would have to check on him later.

The Gongoozler rolled their eyes and wrote, “LeAVe pLz.”

Their cat ears were pinned back, and Yahoo decided that he should grab the others and get out. They left, and Yahoo could hear the Gongoozler lightly toss something into their pond. Yahoo walked away from Unus and Mike, heading back to his room to wait this whole thing out, but they started following him and he had no choice but to change course.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wilford changes the color of his mustache and Dark has a breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh another one that I wanted to become a finished work. Oh well kgfhakjhdf

It was a rainy day at the Manor. The sky was grey and the mood inside the house was dampened. But only slightly.

“ _ RJ and CJ give me back my katana right now or I swear to God—! _ ”

Yandereplier ran past the kitchen as she followed the Jim twins. RJ was clutching his microphone and a pink-handled katana, and CJ had his camera aimed at Yan’s outraged face. God knows what they wanted to do with it in the first place, and God knows if they’ll make it out of this alive. 

All Darkiplier asked for was one quiet day in the Manor. Just one. But of course, it’s nearly impossible when you live in a house with a bunch of psychopaths. He sighed as the trio of Ipliers ran past him and his breakfast. 

Dark’s head hurt already, but with Yan’s screaming it made his migraine worse. He tapped his fingers impatiently on the countertop as his poptart refused to hurry up and pop out of the toaster. His day today was going to be a horrible one, he could feel it.

His poptart finally finished heating up, and Dark snatched it and teleported back to his office. Hopefully nobody would bother him this morning, if only for a few minutes.

Dark sat down at his desk, his poptart already gone. He sighed again and began to work. Not even a minute later, someone burst into the room.

_ Slam!  _ “Dark there is a situation.”

Bim Trimmer stood in the doorway of Dark’s office, looking like a child who came to tell their parents they threw up. Dark told him sharply, without looking up from his paperwork, “For the fourth time, I do not care what Yan does or who they stab—”

“No, no, it’s not Yan. It’s… um, well… just come look, I don’t know what to do.”

Dark growled and stood up. He followed Bim out of the room and towards the backyard. Dark didn’t need to go outside to see the giant pirate ship now occupying the entire backyard space.

Captain Magnum, of course, was outside admiring it, as well as Yancy and Illinois Smith.

Dark felt his eyelid twitch as he said, “I do not have  _ time _ for this. Where did this come from?”

“...We don’t… know?”

Dark’s aura moved faster around him, and he was pleased to see that Bim looked a little afraid. “I suspect Wilford is behind this. Keep Magnum and the other two inside for the time being. I’m off to have a little… chat with your superior.”

He heard Bim mumble something after he said ‘superior,’ but he was too tired and angry to deal with Bim’s ego right now. Dark poofed to the television studio and found Wilford Warfstache, of course, sitting in one of his interview chairs.

“Wilford Warfstache, I am beyond dissapoi—”

Wilford turned his head to look at Dark, and he saw that his face looked… different. His mustache was brown.

His  _ mustache _ . Was  _ brown _ .

“Darkie! I see you found that little ship I poofed in, how’d you like it? I think it’s cool, and so does Maggie. Did you see my mustache?! Hostie said I should try it out, I don’t think I like it though, the pink looked—Darkie?”

Dark vaguely heard Wilford calling out to him. His vision was running wild with images of someone wearing a safari uniform, someone who they never thought they’d see again.

“Dark?  _ Bully, _ you look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

That just made it worse. Dark fought the urge to scream as he teleported back to his office, his migraine getting worse by the second. He lost control of his aura, but Diva had the sense to not shift into a dog as they ran wild around the room, knocking over anything and everything in their path. Dark’s papers flew up and around, and he couldn’t hold his scream in any longer.

Dark’s head felt like it was about to explode.  **_What the fuck. What the fuck. Both of you, I’m talking to both of you, what the FUCK?!_ **

_ Technically you’re not *talking* to us right now— _

**Damien shut the hell up! Dark, oh my God, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to—!**

Dark binked, and he was drinking with William J. Barnum. He blinked again and he was kneeling on the floor of his office.

**Dark please, I’m so sorry, I really thought—**

Dark didn’t want an apology anymore. He just wanted Celine to forget about it. About him.  **_Celine._ **

Celine stopped immediately. Dark’s aura had stopped rampaging around the room, and all was quiet in his office except for his heavy breathing. Dark realized that he was clutching his head with both hands, and that he had been… crying.

Dark sat up quickly and wiped his face, growling as he got up and swept up his paperwork with his aura. He brushed his suit off and turned toward his door, which he noticed had been let open when Bim came to get him about that ship.

That  _ stupid _ ship. He still needed to ask Wilford what the  _ hell _ he was thinking, but he couldn’t face him again and have another… episode. But he needed to do work anyway, so he started to shut the door.

“The Host requests to enter Darkiplier’s room. He does not wait for an approval before stepping into it. …The Host loves what Darkiplier has done with the place.”

Host did indeed slip into the room, just before Dark could fully close it in his face. Dark whipped around, and if the blind man ‘saw’ the glare sent his way he did not acknowledge it.

Dark felt his patience wearing thin again as he said, “Do you believe that you’re funny, Host? That whatever little  _ stunt  _ you just pulled on Wilford and I was  _ funny _ ?”

Host stopped ‘looking’ around the room and turned to Dark. “Yes, the Host does believe that.”

Host gave Dark a grin, but before Dark could snap, he said, “Darkiplier stays calm to hear the Host out. The Host did not tell Wilford Warfstache to dye his facial hair brown. He simply told him that he should try a different look, and it was Darkiplier’s luck that the interviewer chose brown dye.”

Dark did remain calm as Host spoke, but once he was finished Dark had him against the wall by his throat. “Tell me, Host, why did you propose the idea to him in the first place, hm? Did you want to see me suffer? Did you want to see  _ us  _ suffer?”

Dark was furious, and even more so as Host raised his eyebrows in mild amusement. He was so close,  _ so close _ , to punching the stupid grin off of Host’s face, but he’d get an earful from Dr. Iplier if he so much as scraped some dead skin off of this man’s nose. 

Host answered Dark even though his airflow was being restricted. “The Host did not intend for Darkiplier or his… companions to get upset. Darkiplier lets the Host go and backs away.”

Dark did just that, but he did it again as soon as his feet forced him back. Host was still smiling as Dark threatened him. “You are not telling me the truth, Host. If you don’t tell me why you decided to terrorize us I will revoke your dessert privileges.”

Host’s grin faltered slightly. “Darkiplier couldn’t possibly do that. Suddenly, there is a knock on Darkiplier’s office door. Wilford Warfstache has come to check on Darkiplier after his little… outburst.”

“Darkie? I didn’t finish telling you about my mustache, silly!”

Dark was shaking with anger now, and he didn’t take his eyes off of Host as he muttered a vicious, “I am going to  _ murder you _ after I deal with this.”

Dark snapped his fingers, and his office returned to it’s usual state. Host was still smiling creepily as Dark turned to the door and opened it. 

WIlford’s mustache had turned back to pink, thank God, but there was still something off. Dark noticed that his eyes had yet to return to pink, too, as they were still brown. Dark couldn’t stop his three dimensional shadows from flaring up.

“Darkie!! Why’d you run off on me? Oh.” Wilford spotted Host still pinned to the wall by Dark’s aura. Wilford didn’t question it as he said, “Hi Hostie! I didn’t like my new look very much. Why’d you say brown anyway, brown’s a boring color!!”

Wilford crossed his arms and pouted, and Dark felt himself start to smile. “Oh really? Host suggested that you try brown? That’s… interesting.”

He just couldn’t help himself. Dark turned around to look at Host as he said this, and he was beyond excited to see Host attempt to swallow nervously. He grew more ecstatic when he heard Host stutter out, “Th-The Host thought W-Wilford Warfstache would look nice i-in a n-natural color. He supposes h-he was wrong.”

Wilford stopped pouting. “It’s fine, Hostie. You look like you’re in the middle of something, Darkie, but I’ll come back later to tell you about that ship I found!!”

Dark turned back to Wilford. “That is more than acceptable, Wilford. Have a good rest of your morning.”

Before Wilford could ask why Dark seemed so happy, Dark shut his office door and took a second to consult the voices in his head. 

...Hm. Damien and Celine seem to know a lot about hiding dead bodies.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dark and Yan got to the store. Yan is basically a toddler and Dark is tired.

“Darkie, please?!”

“Absolutely not, Yan, you and Wilford both will be bouncing off of the ceiling. Get that out of the cart.”

Yanderplier pouted, pulling an entire shelf display of Pixie Sticks out of the shopping cart. “What if I told you I had my own money to buy it?!”

Darkiplier gave her a deadpan look. “Oh really? Who did you steal it from?”

“Wha- No one!! It’s my money and I’m gonna buy this!”

Yan stuck their tongue out at Dark, and he sighed. He regretted not waiting for some other (preferably less chaotic) ego to wake up to go to the store.

Sunday mornings were reserved for going grocery shopping, and usually Dark took the Host or Googleplier with him. Unfortunately, Host was still dead asleep this morning, and Google was performing a much-needed maintenance update. Dark had tried to get someone else to go, but Yan was the only other one up this early and he had no other choice but to bring her with him. 

These shopping trips usually lasted only about an hour, but with Yan being the embodiment of ADHD, it took longer than usual. What was she doing to prolong their stay at the store, you ask? Well...

“Hey, Darkie, look, it looks like you!!”

Yan held up a black stuffed bear with a frown on it’s face, much like the one Dark had on. How they had even ended up in the stuffed animal isle, Dark didn’t know, but he wanted out of it immediately. This was the fourth time in the past five minutes that Yan had stopped to show something to Dark, and he had no choice but to stop lest they wander off and get lost. Or walk up to security, and Dark did not want to go through the embarrassment of claiming Yan as his ‘child.’

“For God’s sake, this way, Yan.”

Yan pouted again. “You’re no fun, old man.”

Dark whipped around and glared at Yan. “...I asked you not to call me that.”

“Well I’m gonna call you that anyway! Old man!”

Dark’s eyelid twitched, and he had to take a deep breath to keep his aura from destroying the entire supermarket. He had been suddenly reminded why two out of his three souls hated children.

“Jesus Christ— Alright, Yan, go find the... hm?” 

Dark had turned back around and was looking over his list, and he saw that mostly everything was crossed off (except for a few things that he knew Wilford had hastily written last minute, which included ‘cool qhip’ and ‘peanut butter for the Cranks’). “Actually, I think we’re done here. Thank God.”

Yan just smiled and followed Dark to the checkout line quietly. That was mightily suspicious, but Dark didn’t think too much of it. He was thankful for the silence.

The cashier gave the two egos a strange look when they first walked up, but they didn’t question their appearances verbally. Dark knew that they probably saw this kind of thing daily. It didn’t take too long for the cashier to ring up all of the items Dark got, and he was quick to pay for them. The sooner they got out of here and back to the Manor, the better.

Dark was about to steer the cart toward the exit when he heard Yan whisper something. He turned back to them and saw Yan slipping the cashier a full wad of cash, and the cashier looked mightily uncomfortable.

Dark was so close, so  _ very, very close _ , to punting Yan across the store. “Yan. I told you earlier, I am not having an entire lifetime’s worth of Pixie Dust in my home.”

Yan’s smile didn’t falter as the cashier shakily handed her a small scrap of paper. Dark could just read the last four digits of a phone number hastily scribbled on. Great. Now they were going to have boxes upon boxes of pure sugar shipped to their doorstep, and Dark would have to reluctantly deal with the aftermath.

Yan was still smiling as they pocketed the paper and skipped off toward the exit, and Dark sighed as he followed her. At least no one was maimed or stabbed during their shopping trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oop I wanted to continue this with Dark and Yan returning to c h a o s at the Manor (with someone actually getting accidentally stabbed) but I just can't find the inspiration to write it out :pensive:  
> If you're wondering who does like children it would be Celine, she's a natural mother hen and basically the only reason Dark didn't rip Yan to shreds in the middle of the store.


End file.
